Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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