I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
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I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
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I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno