My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.