Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
