i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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