i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
