You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize