Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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