you guys were way drunker than both of me
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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