Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
