I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
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You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
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I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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