I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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