just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
