He passed out mid-signature
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
