did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
