Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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