true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
