Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
