OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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