If that was your dad, he is hot
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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