You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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