I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
