I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
