so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
