I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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