the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
