OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
