Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have fence marks all over my body
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
