ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
