I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
