I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
