Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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