Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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