The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
