forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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