I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
A bitchslap is in order.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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