call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
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Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
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But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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