every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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