Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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