Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
