I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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