She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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