ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
