Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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