SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
