I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
