his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
