guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
