Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
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