My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
