She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
