we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
