im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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