omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
