This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
