Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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