I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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