he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
