this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
