Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
