Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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