I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
